For the longest time, I now recognize that I paced our life according to when and how we hit the "milestones" of adult life. You know what I'm talking about -graduate from undergrad: check. Graduate from masters (TMV): check. Get married: check...house....music therapy....doctoral degree..... first REAL jobs.... start private practice.... children...? For a decade I've been measuring our lives based on society's preconceived expectations of success and I...I have been so GUILDY of letting this rule my perception of Joy, Peace, productivity, and success.
So the thought was that, "if I can JUST MAKE IT to x, then I'll be in good shape!" Or, "once we've done _____ we'll be ______." This sense of self bargaining leads to a dark path of discontent -trust me. Now, don't get me wrong. I am not unfulfilled in my life or marriage. I am extremely content and it's because I've spent the last YEAR working on understanding the innermost workings of my heart and mind. And in the process I think that just maybe I've uncovered a piece of the purpose behind turning away from that comfortable milestone existence, and choosing to live in vulnerability and acceptance.
In the past year, I have been extremely blessed to have an incredible group of women enter my life. Strangely enough, they don't necessarily know each other, but they have all been sharing in the journey of my self discovery. They are clinicians, pastors, moms, and EVERY SING ONE OF THEM is my friend. They hold my heart in their hearts, and have offered me more acceptance and grace than I could have ever asked for. Their gifts of love, time, and support are immeasurable, and have taught me the beauty of planning for the moment. Of accepting the daily life and existence as a gift.
Even more than their gifts of time, love, and friendship, they have shared in my search of/about living a vulnerable, passionate life. I'm not quite sure how to put my thoughts into words at this point, but perhaps I can just say this. Living IN vulnerability is hard. It's transparent, and it leaves me open to being hurt. But the reward is that I am able to enjoy the gifts of those around me, find unlimited beauty in humanity, and can admit to needing to work on the whole "being an empath" part. I am able to have incredible conversations, profound learning experiences, and soul filling relationships. And I can do this because I've given up my "milestones." I am no longer married to any preconceived expectations, process, or outside requirements on my life. Or...at least I'm working on it. I acknowledge the constant need for growth in self awareness, especially in those moments I feel like I'm "missing out." These life accomplishments deserve their own journeys, timelines, joy, and acceptance. They deserve the opportunity to shine, just as we do.
So the reason WHY graduation was so anti-climactic? It's because we didn't NEED to graduate. The accomplishment is no greater or lesser because of who we are, it just is. And that is an incredible, freeing, meaningful experience. "WE MADE IT" should be tattooed across our hearts, but it's not because in its place is, "we are." And that is Awesome.
Keep on,
