Hitting the "Milestones"

Today we hit a huge milestone. We graduated. And by we, I mean TMV graduated. His hard work, and his passion for learning and teaching is incredibly admirable and I am SO INCREDIBLY proud and thankful for his presence in my life. But let's be honest... Really WE graduated. And it was, in a sense, anti-climactic. And I think I know the reason why. Hang in there with me while I walk through it -it's the first time I've put these thoughts down on "paper."

For the longest time, I now recognize that I paced our life according to when and how we hit the "milestones" of adult life. You know what I'm talking about -graduate from undergrad: check. Graduate from masters (TMV): check. Get married: check...house....music therapy....doctoral degree..... first REAL jobs.... start private practice.... children...? For a decade I've been measuring our lives based on society's preconceived expectations of success and I...I have been so GUILDY of letting this rule my perception of Joy, Peace, productivity, and success.

So the thought was that, "if I can JUST MAKE IT to x, then I'll be in good shape!" Or, "once we've done _____ we'll be ______." This sense of self bargaining leads to a dark path of discontent -trust me. Now, don't get me wrong. I am not unfulfilled in my life or marriage. I am extremely content and it's because I've spent the last YEAR working on understanding the innermost workings of my heart and mind. And in the process I think that just maybe I've uncovered a piece of the purpose behind turning away from that comfortable milestone existence, and choosing to live in vulnerability and acceptance.

In the past year, I have been extremely blessed to have an incredible group of women enter my life. Strangely enough, they don't necessarily know each other, but they have all been sharing in the journey of my self discovery. They are clinicians, pastors, moms, and EVERY SING ONE OF THEM is my friend. They hold my heart in their hearts, and have offered me more acceptance and grace than I could have ever asked for. Their gifts of love, time, and support are immeasurable, and have taught me the beauty of planning for the moment. Of accepting the daily life and existence as a gift.

Even more than their gifts of time, love, and friendship, they have shared in my search of/about living a vulnerable, passionate life. I'm not quite sure how to put my thoughts into words at this point, but perhaps I can just say this. Living IN vulnerability is hard. It's transparent, and it leaves me open to being hurt. But the reward is that I am able to enjoy the gifts of those around me, find unlimited beauty in humanity, and can admit to needing to work on the whole "being an empath" part. I am able to have incredible conversations, profound learning experiences, and soul filling relationships. And I can do this because I've given up my "milestones." I am no longer married to any preconceived expectations, process, or outside requirements on my life. Or...at least I'm working on it. I acknowledge the constant need for growth in self awareness, especially in those moments I feel like I'm "missing out." These life accomplishments deserve their own journeys, timelines, joy, and acceptance. They deserve the opportunity to shine, just as we do.

So the reason WHY graduation was so anti-climactic? It's because we didn't NEED to graduate. The accomplishment is no greater or lesser because of who we are, it just is. And that is an incredible, freeing, meaningful experience. "WE MADE IT" should be tattooed across our hearts, but it's not because in its place is, "we are." And that is Awesome.


Keep on,

Abolishing Labels

As part of my rebranding project, I've finally acknowledged that I carry a lot of self-imposed labels. There are a few that weigh heavily on my heart, and perhaps I'll eventually be able to share them with my future self (and you -whoever is reading this...), but that time is not now. Currently, the heaviest label is "impatient." Now, this doesn't bleed into my business -at least in ways that concern clientele, but it effects every aspect of my personal life. Perhaps it is part of being a musician and expecting perfection, or perhaps it is a product of my desire for everyone to know that I am good at ______. Who knows, but it is a problem.

This week, I've been focusing on simply (ha!) being more patient with myself, and have noticed incredible results in my environment. These things are an increase in kind words spoken to others, projects are completed with satisfaction and much less anxiety, and time with family is spent much more enjoyably. When we consider our lives, we acknowledge that things are interrelated, but never do I realize the extent to which a good deed to oneself can blossom into a bouquet of kindness to whomever you may touch.

Perhaps I will take another week to enjoy patience, or maybe not. But until I am ready to move on, I fully plan on enjoying every ounce of graciousness that comes out of being patient with myself.

Because after all, I am just a human. And that is a wonderful thing to be.

Peace,

The Emergency Fund

Irony is sooo.... awful. Let me explain.

My last post was about a message I re-defined from FPU. Well, this too is a re-defined message from FPU.

TMV travels quite a bit. He's a professional gigging musician, so he essentially lives in his car. And trust me -you'd be able to tell, too. Well, The Space Pod has been such a fantastic car! It's a Subaru and runs like a champ. Until yesterday. When I get a phone call from TMV stating that it was "screaming" at him. Of course my first instinct is to envision the car exploding by the side of the road with him in it. "That only happens in movies," he tells me. Yeah -in movies AND in my imagination. Duh.

Dave spoke quite a lot about Murphy's Law. Of course TMV and I live by Murphy's law (being musicians and all, we feel particularly close to Mr. Murphy...). Most of his references to Murphy referenced cars. That in auto-land, when it rains it pours. Man -did it pour on the poor Space Pod. It poured SO MUCH that it completely depleted our emergency fund.

Now -I will admit that pre-lent stress-monster made an appearance, but it was so temporary that I forgot to even acknowledge her until TMV said, "Babe, thanks so much for being calm for me."

When he said this, I realized that Murphy's Law can be just like any law. It can work against you, but it can also work for you. Choosing to remain calm, or positive, or pro-active (I'm sure you can continue the thought to fulfill your positive choice) means that you receive those positive things in return. Send out good, receive good.

My parents have been saying this for years. I finally believe them.

Because while our emergency fund is completely depleted, my husband is safe and healthy (and not blown up in an imaginary car explosion). And THAT is more than I could ask for.

Thanks Murphy. You're the best.

Peace,