Hitting the "Milestones"

Today we hit a huge milestone. We graduated. And by we, I mean TMV graduated. His hard work, and his passion for learning and teaching is incredibly admirable and I am SO INCREDIBLY proud and thankful for his presence in my life. But let's be honest... Really WE graduated. And it was, in a sense, anti-climactic. And I think I know the reason why. Hang in there with me while I walk through it -it's the first time I've put these thoughts down on "paper."

For the longest time, I now recognize that I paced our life according to when and how we hit the "milestones" of adult life. You know what I'm talking about -graduate from undergrad: check. Graduate from masters (TMV): check. Get married: check...house....music therapy....doctoral degree..... first REAL jobs.... start private practice.... children...? For a decade I've been measuring our lives based on society's preconceived expectations of success and I...I have been so GUILDY of letting this rule my perception of Joy, Peace, productivity, and success.

So the thought was that, "if I can JUST MAKE IT to x, then I'll be in good shape!" Or, "once we've done _____ we'll be ______." This sense of self bargaining leads to a dark path of discontent -trust me. Now, don't get me wrong. I am not unfulfilled in my life or marriage. I am extremely content and it's because I've spent the last YEAR working on understanding the innermost workings of my heart and mind. And in the process I think that just maybe I've uncovered a piece of the purpose behind turning away from that comfortable milestone existence, and choosing to live in vulnerability and acceptance.

In the past year, I have been extremely blessed to have an incredible group of women enter my life. Strangely enough, they don't necessarily know each other, but they have all been sharing in the journey of my self discovery. They are clinicians, pastors, moms, and EVERY SING ONE OF THEM is my friend. They hold my heart in their hearts, and have offered me more acceptance and grace than I could have ever asked for. Their gifts of love, time, and support are immeasurable, and have taught me the beauty of planning for the moment. Of accepting the daily life and existence as a gift.

Even more than their gifts of time, love, and friendship, they have shared in my search of/about living a vulnerable, passionate life. I'm not quite sure how to put my thoughts into words at this point, but perhaps I can just say this. Living IN vulnerability is hard. It's transparent, and it leaves me open to being hurt. But the reward is that I am able to enjoy the gifts of those around me, find unlimited beauty in humanity, and can admit to needing to work on the whole "being an empath" part. I am able to have incredible conversations, profound learning experiences, and soul filling relationships. And I can do this because I've given up my "milestones." I am no longer married to any preconceived expectations, process, or outside requirements on my life. Or...at least I'm working on it. I acknowledge the constant need for growth in self awareness, especially in those moments I feel like I'm "missing out." These life accomplishments deserve their own journeys, timelines, joy, and acceptance. They deserve the opportunity to shine, just as we do.

So the reason WHY graduation was so anti-climactic? It's because we didn't NEED to graduate. The accomplishment is no greater or lesser because of who we are, it just is. And that is an incredible, freeing, meaningful experience. "WE MADE IT" should be tattooed across our hearts, but it's not because in its place is, "we are." And that is Awesome.


Keep on,

Abolishing Labels

As part of my rebranding project, I've finally acknowledged that I carry a lot of self-imposed labels. There are a few that weigh heavily on my heart, and perhaps I'll eventually be able to share them with my future self (and you -whoever is reading this...), but that time is not now. Currently, the heaviest label is "impatient." Now, this doesn't bleed into my business -at least in ways that concern clientele, but it effects every aspect of my personal life. Perhaps it is part of being a musician and expecting perfection, or perhaps it is a product of my desire for everyone to know that I am good at ______. Who knows, but it is a problem.

This week, I've been focusing on simply (ha!) being more patient with myself, and have noticed incredible results in my environment. These things are an increase in kind words spoken to others, projects are completed with satisfaction and much less anxiety, and time with family is spent much more enjoyably. When we consider our lives, we acknowledge that things are interrelated, but never do I realize the extent to which a good deed to oneself can blossom into a bouquet of kindness to whomever you may touch.

Perhaps I will take another week to enjoy patience, or maybe not. But until I am ready to move on, I fully plan on enjoying every ounce of graciousness that comes out of being patient with myself.

Because after all, I am just a human. And that is a wonderful thing to be.

Peace,

The Emergency Fund

Irony is sooo.... awful. Let me explain.

My last post was about a message I re-defined from FPU. Well, this too is a re-defined message from FPU.

TMV travels quite a bit. He's a professional gigging musician, so he essentially lives in his car. And trust me -you'd be able to tell, too. Well, The Space Pod has been such a fantastic car! It's a Subaru and runs like a champ. Until yesterday. When I get a phone call from TMV stating that it was "screaming" at him. Of course my first instinct is to envision the car exploding by the side of the road with him in it. "That only happens in movies," he tells me. Yeah -in movies AND in my imagination. Duh.

Dave spoke quite a lot about Murphy's Law. Of course TMV and I live by Murphy's law (being musicians and all, we feel particularly close to Mr. Murphy...). Most of his references to Murphy referenced cars. That in auto-land, when it rains it pours. Man -did it pour on the poor Space Pod. It poured SO MUCH that it completely depleted our emergency fund.

Now -I will admit that pre-lent stress-monster made an appearance, but it was so temporary that I forgot to even acknowledge her until TMV said, "Babe, thanks so much for being calm for me."

When he said this, I realized that Murphy's Law can be just like any law. It can work against you, but it can also work for you. Choosing to remain calm, or positive, or pro-active (I'm sure you can continue the thought to fulfill your positive choice) means that you receive those positive things in return. Send out good, receive good.

My parents have been saying this for years. I finally believe them.

Because while our emergency fund is completely depleted, my husband is safe and healthy (and not blown up in an imaginary car explosion). And THAT is more than I could ask for.

Thanks Murphy. You're the best.

Peace,

Living Like No One Else

TMV and I just finished taking Financial Peace University, and I can honestly say that it has changed the way we live for the better. Usually when people talk about FPU, they're referring to money. I, however, am not. Well, mostly.

Dave's class teaches us many things, but the message that is swirling in my mind is the desire to "live like no one else, so that later you can live like no one else." Of course he means financially. Save now and pay off debt (or don't even go into it...), so that later you can enjoy the life God has given you and GIVE to others. At this point in time, that message means something different to me.

Right now, I need to live like no one else in the sense that I need to be selfish with my time -taking the time I NEED to work on myself and my relationships. Working on the really hard and real parts of myself that trouble me, so that later I can live the life I have prayed for (should that be in God's plan). Maybe this means being able to have a family of 6, or running my business in an ethical and fair way, or tackling the stress that has been running me down. I'm not sure, honestly.

But the message is clear. Take time now so that later, I can leave a legacy of love and devotion for future generations. Two weeks ago, this thought would have raised my stress level from orange to red but at the suggestion of my sister, I am undertaking a "rebranding" project. I am rebranding myself, focusing on all of the wonderful things I already am and working out the kinks of things I don't want to be, or want to work towards. Mostly this just involves positive thinking, but there are times when a well intended interruption causes distress or my patience falls blessedly short. We're all human, but I am working towards the better version of myself. And I think that this is just one single step towards tackling my stress addiction.

Baby steps. Because after all, didn't God design us to crawl before we can run?

Peace,
B.

Lent: Day 1

I promised myself, not to mention that I also promised God,  that I would give up stress for Lent. As a valuable sacrifice to him -a way to make myself more in his likeness or to become a better servant, but also as a sacrifice to myself -the demolition of a disgusting coping crutch. A crutch that causes heart burn, the inability to sleep at night, paralyzer of communication and motivation. Yes -I want to get rid of the nasty thing. And the desire alone has created a deeper sense of awareness, showing me how truly volatile stress is to my body and mind. For example....

Yesterday, I found myself looking at a comprehensive health analysis done by a doc that specializes in restorative health. For years, I've felt awful pretty much every day. Some days it's been emotional, and some days it's been physical. Not surprisingly, the analysis told me I was in pretty bad shape. The surprising news is that I have dairy and gluten allergies, and difficulties processing meat protein leading to the suggestion that I become a vegetarian who occasionally eats chicken. It may not come as a surprise to you to know that I immediately declared that I was dying, being completely overwhelmed by the largesse and gravity of the lifestyle changes that lay before me. Instantaneously, I had a headache and the nasty desire to pick a fight.

You see, the women in my family don't shy away from confrontation...even when there isn't any. Mountains out of mole hills, the lot of us.

But -adversely, these things like headaches and unreasonable aggression aren't side effects of genetics (at least, I don't believe so in my circumstance). They're side effects of stress.

So after a pep talk from the Mommah (read: a failed attempt at being a drama queen), some crying, and some poorly managed coping on my behalf, I had a plan, groceries that won't make me puff up or feel bad, and a new perspective (in which I am Lizzy in P&P and real life is Mr. Darcy...). But -that's a story for a different day.

So on Lent: Day 1, I promise to myself to take action in STOPPING stress.

-xo-

Time-Out!

My head is swimming. It's almost 11pm, and after a full (yet VERY) rewarding day, I'm finding that I'm much to wound up to go to bed. So I'm calling a "time-out" for myself. No -I'm not going to sit in my "time-out chair", but I think I need to hit the freeze button for just a moment. All of the thoughts running through my brain include, but are not limited to: music therapy treatment panning, music therapy documentation, business marketing for my music therapy practice, lessons materials for my adaptive music lessons, theology (because my incredible young adult group meets over beer and inevitably dinner...), homeschooling, and because my thought path from homeschooling always leads to...children. Now that those thoughts are out, perhaps they'll leave me in peace for a bit?

One friend at "pints and prayers" brought up the question, "if you work at church all day, does Sunday represent work or church?" After a few beats of silence, those who worked at and in church responded thoughtfully, but my brain was churning. For me, this is an question of intentionality. From my perspective, when I seem to live every second of my work day in intentionality, how do I walk away from it (especially at 11:00 at night)? And -as a musician, do I find the intentionality of making music for music's sake helpful?

Obviously the answers to these questions aren't easy, or I'd probably be telling you what my answers happen to be.

At this moment in time, in my place in the universe, this boils down to one simple, yet oh-so-hard-to-implement phrase: you are only human, and that's ok.

Maybe giving ourselves permission to be human is what we need to hear. Or to understand that it's alright to live our lives with the permission to "come as you are"? As a phrase I've used and heard frequently as of late, it's taking hold in my heart. I feel like I say to families all the time that we're all people, and just because your person struggles with "x" doesn't mean that they're (fill in the blank with something frustrating).

So...why not me (or us) too? I'm struggling with "x", and that means that I'm human (read probably tired, overworked, under paid {heh -business owner joke}, and way over stressed with probably a hint of anxiety thrown in...).

And those things -they're ok because I come as I am to the space that I need.

So here's a time-out for me. To breathe in and back out, and to just be human. Perhaps next, I'll consider looking at some peaceful scenery. But -not there yet. Just focusing on the in and out of peace.

Pax,

Ultimate Sacrifice

Lent is almost upon us, and every year I panic. "What if my sacrifice isn't good enough for God?" Honestly, God appreciates all sacrifices if they're made with a true heart but that hasn't stopped me from fretting. And...I'm pretty sure that I'm not the only one who does.

For the first time ever, I'm prepared for my lenten sacrifice. I'm prepared because it's the hardest sacrifice I've ever considered, and I think I'm going to need time to think about it. Of course, there's been butter, coffee, sugar, and TV. But I think about God's sacrifice for us, how I'm feeling in my every day life, and how that effects his plans for me, and I think that I need to sacrifice something that will change me, so that I can be accepting of my journey. Perhaps more content in my every day life?

My sacrifice?

Stress.

Are you laughing yet? Don't worry -I have some action steps in mind that will allow me to be successful, but that's why I've already decided. Planning ahead, and all that. Conquering stress in my life (especially right now) isn't going to be easy, but I'm determined to do it for God, TMV, family, AND MYSELF. Which is why I'm trying to return to center, and am back writing at Priester's Peace. :)

xo.

Return to Center

Hi! It's been a while. And you know what? It shouldn't have been.

After a very eye opening, grace-filled coffee chat with a friend, I realize that I haven't been truly present in this space -MY space -in a very long time, and that MY space (free of judgement, time constraints, and full of laughter) is what my life needs (in addition to meditation, more yoga, less caffeine and noise...but that's for a different day). More clearly defined as an authentic space for myself. It's nice when you join me (whoever you may be, however you may be), but I'm here for myself. That's why I started Blogging all those years ago -because I needed it, and thankfully I can reflect on the person I was when I started Priester's Peace, and appreciate the journey I've taken from then to now. I desire to authentically live and remember my life PEACEFULLY, and my personality requires that (right now) to be done extrinsically.

And even more honestly, maybe I hope that you'll read this and give yourself permission to live an authentic life, too.

So, with a closing message that's as much for me as it is for you: chin up, and take a deep breath.

xo.