des·per·a·tion: a state in which all hope is lost or absent; "in the depths of despair"; "they were rescued from despair at the last minute"; "courage born of desperation"
Desperation is a disgusting feeling. It is a state of existence that consumes every thought and action, and perhaps this extends into our subconscious. For me, unfortunately, it is a green monster that seems to be running my life. I'm uncomfortable in my current situation, and am poking my nasty green head into every crack and crevice to find some sort of relief (in a humorous way, it's like my green friend has an allergy to life and every time it breaths in it sneezes! How funny -but not). Fight of flight mechanism at its finest, I suppose. I refuse to yield, and the situation pushes back. I want to get my way, but the journey is stronger than I am. I must escape, but the only way to escape is to embrace my situation, learn the lesson presented (which I am obviously NOT learning...), and find happiness in alternative places.
val·i·date: To mark with an indication of official sanction; to establish the soundness of; corroborate.
In my desperation, I feel a deep desire to validate my life. What have I done? What will I accomplish? What am I worth to others? What can I put my claim on? Some people give validity a place in their lives by buying things (which I have considered...there's a really pretty Twill bed set at Macy's ON SALE!), modifying their appearance, obsessive cleaning (I noticed that I have started doing this...it's better than the alternatives, right?)drinking/eating/drugs/sleeping, having children...etc. The list is AMAZINGLY long. Whatever your vice is -it will help you validate your life in a negative way.
So why? Why is this so important to me? I've done lots of things I can be proud of! Conservatories, adventures, performances, essays...oh, WAIT! NO ONE CARES! No one cares about that except for me. Hmm -Does accomplishment come from what a paper states, or does it come from inside? Bottom line, my ability to validate my life seems to be coming from superficial places and reasons due to my state of desperation. Green Monster? -yeah, sure.
re·deem: To restore the honor, worth, or reputation.
When the clouds clear away and the sun comes up the GM (Green Monster) runs away. It leaves me to think about my life, and the choices I've made in only a way that I understand. It requires me to be introspective, and thankful for what I'm given. Especially the small stuff we have a tendency to overlook. I don't WANT to be a GM. I want to be Briana -version 1.0. The person her husband fell in love with, and the person who would call her friends when she knew they were having bad days, and would send flowers and cards, give hugs, and laugh her way through the day. The person who LOVES to give families and babies a head start. Me. That's what I want.
So maybe it will be hard -most likely it will be hard, and maybe I'll have to wait for everything that I want. But, the point is that I will be the dragonfly: evolve when necessary, but remain true to who I am.
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